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June 8, 2014 / hbrowne4

The prompt was “A slightly incompetent jazz band, a locket and a gross of plastic dinosaurs”

The noise was truly awesome, and not in a good way. Whoever thought that engaging a “gross of plastic dinosaurs” as the warm up band was as far out as it gets.


The first clue was that they were not, in fact plastic dinosaurs, and they did not number twelve dozen. They were in fact three scruffy hairy, beer smelling people with a biscuit crate, a vuvuzela and a tin whistle as instrumentation and their musical sophistication was on a par with the instruments.

 Clasping an insanitary looking locket in his sweaty hand, the leader rose to commence the gig.

 “I’m not very used to playing in front of an audience as big as this” he said to the fifteen people in the cavernous hall. “My manager booked us for the gig and didn’t tell us where it was. We thought we were booked into a small bistro in Capel Street, not the Cork Opera House, but Hell, we’ll give it our best shot”

 With a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach I heard them set about tuning their instruments. The vuvuzela emitted a frightful roaring sound, the biscuit crate impresario may have had a sense of timing, but if so, it was to a very different time scale to the rest of humanity, and as for the tin whistler, the less said the better.

 Sitting through this almighty cacophony I silently cursed my friend Sadie who had persuaded me to come. I should have known that it was doomed when she rang at impossibly short notice, complaining of a severe head cold and snivelling pathetically as she pleaded with me to go without her.

Treating the whole thing as an exercise in solidarity with the artistically challenged, I sat back to endure it as best I might until the singer rose to his feet and proceeded to belt out a mangled version of “Georgia on my Mind” a song of which I am particularly fond. Unable to bear the noise any longer, I slid, as quietly as I could from my seat and made my way out of the auditorium.

As I snuck out I heard someone whisper loudly “Ah don’t go, it gets better in the second half”




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