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November 24, 2014 / hbrowne4

The Abduction

The prompt was: Tell a story that begins with an abduction Note


The note was left in the foyer of Government Buildings, placed within an empty Amazon carton which had originally held a book.

It read, in blood coloured ink:

“Your Glorious Leader Enda (the Pathetic) has been taken by the Emerald army and will be returned on payment of ten million Euros, to be deposited in the Offshore Bank of Abductors in the Cayman Islands. If the ransom hasn’t been paid by Friday next, the price for his return goes up to twenty million Euros. For further information call 0876633890”

Richard (the Brute) studied the communication with interest “Mmm, I wonder how much they would ask if we told them to keep him?” He mused.

As he sat in splendid isolation, in his ministerial office, contemplating his chances of being elevated to the Taoiseach-hood the door shuddered under a thunderous knocking.

“Come on in, for God’s sake, before you take the door off its hinges” Richard snarled.

The door was thrust open and banged off the filing cabinet directly behind it, revealing the twin substantial, figures of Phil (the Large) and James (the Incompetent).

“What’s this I hear about our Glorious Leader being snatched, can it be true, Ochone, agus ochone. How are we supposed to function without his tender hand on the tiller of state?” Queried Phil (the Large)’

James (the Incompetent), never one to be outdone in his choice of hyperbole, cried “Richard, for The sake of the Party, what are we going to do, and the Troika, will somebody think of the Troika. There’ll be panic in the markets and a run on the banks. We’ll be moidered entirely, so we will. You have to do something, Richard, otherwise all is lost” and he wiped a tear from the corner of his eye.

“Now lads” Richard said in his best, pouring oil on troubled waters, voice “Hold on a minute here, it’s not all bad, we all know that he’s been slipping badly in the polls lately and the Irish people are suckers for a hard luck story. This could be the very bump we need in the popularity stakes.

Irish Water, McNulty, Expenses and Allowances, they’ll all be gone off the headlines. We’ll be the most popular party once again. In fact I’ve just been thinking, it’s only an idea mind, but, now hear me out, we could spring a snap election, you know, appeal to the patriotism of the people. It might just work, you know”

“But Enda” Whined Phil (the Large) “What about Enda?”

“We’ll give him a state funeral” Replied Richard “The Irish people like nothing better than a spectacle, we could have a hearse drawn by six black horses with plumes and everything.

We’d need a new Taoiseach, of course, if you guys will put my name forward, I’ll see you right after I’m elected. You can count on me”

After the other two had left, Richard opened the cabinet behind his desk and said to the crouching Enda (the Pathetic) squashed, bound and gagged inside “Hard luck Enda, You’re surplus to requirement now”


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