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June 13, 2016 / hbrowne4

I & You, By Rose Ugoalah

From a prompt: “April is the cruellest month – TS Elliot”

Rain falling leaves blow

April the cruellest month

Withholding my love

“Where do we go from here?” A deluge of emotion floods my senses. My lips stained with the sweet taste of tears, as they leave faint traces of salt trails across my face. The skin around my eyes puffy— tender to touch.

His small hands strain to reach. He pinches and grabs at my soft mounds of flesh. Every so often, we make eye contact; I quickly look away. Pangs of guilt cut through me like a guillotine. More salt trails are left behind.

“We’re in this together.” You and I. I and you. Hollow emptiness fills the space where my love should be. I look down at his face. Curls upon curls. Soft. Tightly wound. His skin against mine. His warm mouth cups my bosom as I nourish him with this white fluid made from my body just for him. He coos. I feel nothing but for regret and remorse. Melancholy and apathy play a game of hide and seek. My soul cries.

He arrived in March, and immediately I knew there was something wrong. Where was the attachment they spoke about? A commercial for Johnson & Johnson plays on the television in the background. I sob. Perhaps my endless tears will fill this void; the guilt of a mother who feels nothing for her newborn child. The shame.

He arrived in March, and immediately I knew there was something wrong.  The doctor told me that it would get better. It’s now one month later and it is not any better. In actuality, this month has been the cruellest.

He finishes suckling. Finally, I go through the motions with mechanic diligence. I burp him then set him down in his bassinet. Unfounded resentment flows through me like bad medicine. I sit and stare out the bay window. Rain falling. Leaves blow. I wait.

Perhaps May will be kinder.

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