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December 12, 2016 / hbrowne4

O Tannenbum by Ruairi McDonnell

“Good to see you Patrick”

“Good to see you doctor”

“So- what’s bothering you?”

“Well doctor I have a problem. You see, I think I’m allergic to Christmas. For as long as I can remember all I’ve ever wanted for Christmas is for it to be over. The food, the lights, the music- I hate it all and just wish it would go away”

“I see. Well it sounds like you are a cad”

“Well I was a bit of a messer when I was younger…”

“No- “CAD”, C- A- D- Christmas Affective Disorder. Like SAD, S- A- D- Seasonal Affective Disorder, except CAD sufferers are specifically allergic; in fact physically react to Christmas and all that entails. Tell me, Patrick, can we try some word-association? Are you ready?”

“Yes doctor”

“Okay- tinsel”

“Itchy”

“Baubles”

“Tumours”

“Turkey”

“Vomit”

“Scrooge”

“Hero”

“Fairy light”

“Fairly shite”

“Presents”

“Coal”

“Mistletoe”

“Missing toe”

“I think Patrick this is a fairly clear-cut case of CAD”

“And what do we do about it doctor?”

“Well we need to inhibit the flow of a hormone called Christamine across the blood-brain barrier”

“And how do we do that?”

“With an antiChristamine. I’m afraid it’s a suppository, so you have to insert it into your”

“Stick it where the sun don’t shine- got it doc”

“Now I have one here and I’m afraid it’s an unusual shape- the triangle on top of triangle shape as you can see here allows efficient absorption of the active ingredient and”

“Doctor… it looks like a little Christmas tree- is this a joke!?”

“No- clinical trials found this the best shape for this particular medication”

“How long do I take it for?”

“Until the 6th January”

“Epiphany?”

“Well, maybe you will have one, but it’s not a known side effect”

“Well I did always think you can take your Christmas and shove it up yer hole”

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