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March 13, 2017 / hbrowne4

1,000,000 Beers B.C. by Ruairi McDonnell

From an Inkslingers Prompt “He woke up and the dinosaur was still there”

He woke to a tongue more arid than a mass extinction event; his pupils were pinpricks- absolutely useless to pick out prey in a leafy green jungle and his head was in fantastic pain “If our brains are so small, how do I have such a headache? Where is it finding the space?” He thought.
He had had a good night. Maybe. He wasn’t sure. The last thing he remembered was his friend Dippy the Diplodocus introducing him to some nice ladies as “The Rapacious Raptor”
“Ugh… I hope that one doesn’t stick” They tended to. Like tar from tar pits.
He was drinking an ill-advised concoction called a “Primordial Soup” The barman told him it was called that because it was so strong it would render him about as sensible as an amoeba. He didn’t really like it. He had 12 of them.
Dippy always made him show off. Dippy wasn’t even worth the effort of showing off for. He lolloped, he was dopey. Huge but a silly, puny vegetarian. Despite these things the ladies loved him. He had a very long neck and you know what they say about dinosaurs with long necks?
He realised he had absolutely no idea where on Pangaea he was. “This isn’t my nest “Something stirred beside him “The arch killing machine, immense predatory skills but have a few jars and you can’t smell someone beside you. Some raptor you are!”
Now he was aware of it at least it smelled female, not like that unfortunate incident with the horny triceratops.
The raptor beside him woke with a start.
“Shit, who are you? What era is it? Did we rub cloacas last night? Are you that “Rapacious Raptor” guy that other stupid dinosaur introduced me to? Were you drinking that “Primordial Soup” too?”
“Calm down- my name is Ralph and I don’t remember anything”
“It doesn’t matter what my name is and you had better get out of here. My boyfriend is a pretty jealous t-rex and he’ll be back any minute and…”
A low booming interrupted her.
“Shit, he’s on the way”
“What should I do?”
“Just Jurassic Park yourself behind that tree and stay still”
“What if he sees me?”
“He won’t, his visual acuity is based on movement”
Ralph the Raptor did as he was told and hid behind the tree. The t-rex pushed into the clearing.
“Hi honey- how was your day?”
“Terrible! They kicked me off the volleyball team because of my tiny hands!”
While Ralph listened to them talk nonsense about nothing he felt something stir inside him. “Not here; not now!” His stomach churned like a volcano. Ralph was lavishly sick and the vomit sprayed from his snout and from his hiding place.
Though “velocity” was in the name “velociraptor”, he was in too much of a fug to escape.
Ralph was extinct within seconds.


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