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June 20, 2017 / hbrowne4

The Clever Criminal Club by Teresa Fenton

Writers Centre

Dear diary, I can only tell you this stuff. Once upon a time there lived a kind but unstable and deluded man called Harry Bo. He lived in a place called Dunny. For about 93 years, his wife had told him that he was a liar, so his sense of reality became foggy and unbalanced. His G.P., Dr. Quack, advised him to wear a purple jumper because it would raise his vibrational frequency and help to hold his now fragile mind together. Poor deluded Harry thought that every Saturday he chaired and facilitated a ”writers” group in a lovely, historic old building in the city BUT thank goodness the purple jumper cure wasn’t working and he couldn’t see that he is the crime facilitator of the clever criminal club. We all knew well that the use of i phones, i pads, i message and i pod were not open to us as communication devices as we could be triangulated, mangulated, strangulated and maybe put out of “business” altogether. So courtesy of dear Harry Bo, we can pass messages to each other each Saturday for a full hour, under the cover of our “writings”!

So, dear diary, when Rob, (the job description is in the name) reads out his funny subversive prose, we all know exactly what the weekends activities are to be, and when Ruairi reads next we know which pub we are to meet at! Next Pat reads out his hilarious lines, and while we are all, especially poor deranged Harry Bo, splitting our sides laughing, he whispers to Davey (in the valley) that we need a shovel. Of course poor blind Harry Bo never suspects a thing when holy, gentle Davey speaks of Jesus being nailed to the cross and the makes a veiled reference to “don’t forget your shovel” -shovel and nails, ha! now we have the next bit of the burial plot! Yippee!

Dear diary, I Teresa, always keep my mouth wide open, spewing verbal diarrhea- that way I will never be accused, or suspected of, having an intelligent thought, while in secret, under the radar, I help to collate the entire criminal collective!

Because the purple jumper is not doing its job, lovely naive Harry Bo has not twigged why it is that we need to meet on a Saturday afternoon! no! He has no idea of his vital role in facilitating our communication with each other about the “activities” for the next Saturday and Sunday nights! Nor has he any idea why we insisted on a splinter criminal group be held on Tuesday nights, of course, to exchange information about how the weekends “business” went, and to get the learnings from the detailed that went wrong.

Finally, dear diary, it’s hilarious that each week, our poor purple clad chairman gives us a prompt to assist and inspire our writing. They are our prompts, carefully chosen by us, to simply prompt us to prompt each other and to be used in code during that valuable hour of reading out our writings.

One week, OMG, he wore a green jumper (the purple one must have been in the annual wash). It was terrifying. His brain seemed to be regaining its balance and awareness! OMG, he looked so sane, he even mentioned the words “air of criminality”- thus rattling us to the very core. Needless to mention, that week we had to use even more code words than ever, to warn each other of the imminent danger of our cover being blown.

Dear diary, i feel weak now as i confide this traumatic event in your pages. However, the very next week, all was well again as our friend, the trusty purple jumper had returned, effective as ever and his wonderful insanity and unconsciousness had been re -instated. I have to admit that once the purple jumper made it welcome comeback we all returned to form, passing messages and plans openly to each other and even became complacent for several weeks-that is, until the formidable green jumper re-appeared and with it a very sharp, astute and clear minded Harry.

The general consensus is that this is truly dangerous for us.

So, now we have to plan our “pieces de resistance”, we have to plot, fast, and right there under his nose, how to bump HIM off!

‘Don’t forget your shovel “

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2 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. hbrowne4 / Jun 20 2017 10:17 am

    I’m not sure whether to be honoured or devastated, so I’ll settle for the latter.

  2. Brendan Palmer / Jun 20 2017 12:43 pm

    It’s even better on the second reading. There is only one thing worse than people noticing and commenting on your sartorial elegance Harry……..

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