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06/07/2018 / hbrowne4

Shit Wizard by Tim Stapleton Physician’s Journal

We were high over a vast, arid grassland known locally as a “prairie” when Test Subject 045 was acquired. 045 was the chief of the great tribe that ruled these plains and adjacent territory. Subject expired under examination. Little could be gleaned from mental probe, but the following anatomical notes may be of interest.

045 was sedated upon capture and taken to lab for processing. When sedative wore off subject became combative and had to be restrained. Restraining was difficult. Subject’s skin was coated in an orange goo that proved to be quite slippery. Proctor Ai attempted to seize subject by the follicular mass at the crown of subject’s head, but it unspooled in the proctor’s hand. Appears the hair cover was a single piece of hair wrapped hundreds of times around the subject’s head. Proctor Ai was cited for excess use of force, as “hair pulling” is expressly forbidden by Codicil B to the First Contact Manual.

Vivisection produced startling results. Unlike anything sampled heretofore among the collected specimens. Abdominal cavity filled with an exceptional amount of excrement. In addition to multiple venereal diseases, subject may have been suffering from ailments related to the lower digestive system not previously observed in the subject species. Excrement had filled not only the subject’s abdomen, but also the blood stream, respiratory system, synovial cavities, and mouth; in some cases, entire organs were missing, their places taken by formations made entirely of waste product. Excision of subject’s heart revealed little more than a slurry of rotting excrement and syphilitic tissues. The room had to be cleared and aerated after the first incision was made, so offensive was the odor. It is not an exaggeration to say that subject 045 was nothing more than an ambulatory sack of primate feces and infectious disease painted over with cosmetics in an attempt to pass as fully human.

Medical database contains no reference to this condition, however, cultural attache was able to open a fruitful line of inquiry.

Lexical database on colloquial expressions indicate terms such as “shit head,” “shit heel,” “gob shite,” “bull shit,” “full of shit,” and “shit bird” can indicate vacuity, a lack of truthfulness, or a tendency to speak when one ought not to. These terms were thought to have no basis in biology, but rather to refer to the generally accepted unpleasantness of excessive dishonesty. (Cultural attache notes that a certain amount of mendacity was accepted by earth cultures and in fact, appreciated in certain contexts; e.g., drama, comedy, etc. In the economic context dishonesty could be dismissed as “mere puffery,” (embellishing the quality of an item up for sale or under-emphasizing the costs or risks of the same), or to constitute fraud, depending on the preponderance of falsehood. See entry on capitalism at Much room for anthropological work in this field.) In light of subject 045’s unusual anatomy, these assumptions may need to be revisited.

Subject was mighty warlord ruling over a technologically advanced faction of earth peoples. Given the subject’s advanced disease state it is difficult to explain his position of power and prestige. Again, the cultural attache has offered a helpful suggestion.

Belief in magic as a means of explaining incomprehensible feats was widespread among earth cultures at time of first contact. Practitioners of “magic” were referred to as wizards. Various entries in the cultural database indicate wizards would draw upon various substances to power effects known as “spells”. It is possible that the subject’s infirmity was a source of strength, rather than a disability. Proctors have taken to referring to subject 45 as the shit wizard.

Whatever the source of his power, the reign of the shit wizard is over.


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